Why I let my hair go gray!

Real women have gray hair and are sexy too. Maybe you should try it?

Let me start by saying that I dyed my hair for thirty years. A true Generation Xer. I was the queen of the highlights.

But like so many women in the spring of 2020, I could no longer get to the salon. And my true colors were beginning to show. They were gray! When I would pull my hair back, it was clear that streaks of white and gray were populating. I decided that I would try not coloring my hiar.

When I looked carefully, day after day. I started to have a new realization. Wow! I thought. It’s pretty!

For those of you considering gray hair, here are a few things I learned and some strategies you should try.

1. You will meet some resistance and possibly some shaming! Stephanie O’Dell founder of Celebrate the Gray, a modeling and branding agency for the fifty plus, gray haired model and also co-host of “Reinvention After 50.” , states. “Gray hair is the first place women get shamed around aging.” One of the key ways that sexim and agism work together is by telling women to hide their age. Thus, they hide themselves. My Mom kept saying I didn’t look as pretty with my new gray roots. When was I was going to make an appointment? My best-friend from childhood also chimed in. She kept asking me why I wasn’t dying my hair? “You were so beautiful as a blonde.” I realized that by me not dying my hair, her fear was that she would look older. And yes, even my own pre-teen daughter, kept asking me when I was going back to the salon. My daughter’s request was the hardest to fight.

A mother always wants to please her teenage daughter. She would sigh, “you look like an old Mom.” I took a deep breath and said. “I look my age. And yes, my darling, you do have an older Mom!” I had you when I was forty, you will never have a young mom, but you will have a real one and that’s me!”

2. Younger Women — especially twenty somethings will admire you! This was unexpected. I am a Independent Film Director, Playwright and Women Studies professor which means I am around many twenty somethings. They are my crews on my films, they are my actors, they are my students. Before I let my hair go gray, I thought that I wouldn’t fit in as well with them if I “looked old.” The opposite was true. So many young adults have stopped me or commented on how beautiful I looked with gray hair. I finally asked one of my assistants on my film why she thought it was beautiful. Didn’t I look old and therefore, less pretty? Her response was honest. “It’s nice to see an older woman who owns it and doesn’t pretend!”

By the way, young adults know how old you are. They don’t care! Actually, all they want is to see a woman, much like their own mothers, who isn’t settling soft. Part of that is not passing or pretending. And loving how you look NOW not when you were their age.

3. You get to wear brighter and bolder colors! Gray hair looks fab with the brights. And what a way to contradict aging than by buying bolder colors. No more beige. My new phrase around clothes is go bolder!

4. You will save a ton of money! I spent on average $300 per season dying my hair. Multiply that by four times per year then multiply that again and again. I looked back to how much I spent over the course of thirty years dying my hair. If I had saved that money and put it into a compound interest account, I would have a nice slush fund by now.

5. You don’t have to pretend! This is what I started to notice once I stopped dying. There was a way I was trying to pass as younger. We give up a tremendous amount of authentcity when we try to pass as anything but our true selves.

6. You save time! Do you notice the older you get, the faster time goes? We don’t want to sqander our days or our lives. My weekends are precious with my kids, my elder parents, my friends, or doing other meaningful activities like making more art. Suddenly I realized that I would rather be hiking up a mountian or grabbing tea with a friend on those previously booked salon Saturdays.

7. It’s better for your health! According to The Sierra Club Magazine Author Bob Schildgen, “Hair dyes are not subject to the same rules as drugs regulated by the Food and Drug Administration; it was only in 2018 that the FDA finally banned the use of lead acetate from dyes. In the late 1970s, some chemicals were eliminated from dye because they were suspected carcinogens. At the time, studies found an increased rate of bladder cancer in professional hair dyers, as well as an elevated risk for diabetes during pregnancy.

8. You are still sexy! Yes, that is right. What is sexier than a woman who loves herself. C’mon, you know it when you see it. A woman who is saying to the world, “This is me! Welcome to my party!” I can honestly say that I feel more beautiful now than ever. I have fought battles and won. I have survived losses. I have directed a movie, written plays, birthed babies. I have wisdom and long term love. Why would I ever want to cover that?

Ok, if after reading the above list, you are starting to think about it. Here are some tips and tricks to ease you into your new beautiful authentic gray self.

1. I treated myself to a professional make up consultation. I could never wear red lipstick as a blond. I can now. Makeup artists have a keen sense of color and will match you with perfect makeup. And if you don’t wear makeup. Get a good skin care regime going. Don’t forget you have more money now for beauty products. A cost of a $100.00 skin care regime is cheaper than constant hair dye.
2. Get a good hair cut. Again, I treated myself to the best cut I could afford. I interviewed stylists who would not encourage me to dye my hair. I asked for a stylist who cut hair for people over fifty who wanted to look chic.
3. Buy some new clothes! There are plenty of stylists who will help you get your pretty on. Again, my advice is to get an older stylist like Judith Rizzio. When you work with a stylist, they see you differently than you can see yourself. They encourage you to take chances.
4. Book a professional photo shoot! I booked myself for some professional headshots. The photographer made me feel amazing. You will have some photos to reflect back to you the beauty that you are!
5. Find another silver sister! Go gray with a friend! This is very important. My dear friend and I were both recovering unnatural blondes. On bad days when I had doubts and wanted to head to the salon, I would Facetime my friend, Lauren. Seeing Lauren’s beautiful gray streaks highlighting her sparkling eyes, I saw a true ageless beauty. I thought if she looks that beautiful, then maybe I’m that beautiful too.
6. People will comment about your hair! People will have opinions about a woman who shows her age. How dare she! Even though they won’t comment about men’s hair or age. When people would ask me why no dye? My standard reply was. “I’m trying something new!”
7. Ageism is real! I hate to be remind you. But we do live in an agist society. Yet, that is why it is even more important to be visible as a confident and powerful gray haired woman.

Finally and most important! Get a new dream! In my recent article, I wrote about how getting a new dream is imperative for good mental health for the aging woman. Peri-Menopause is real! Menopause is hard. Here is what I’m suggesting! You take a mini pause from your menopause. Stop and think. Then dare to do a new dream. You will feel so alive! I directed my frist film at age fifty three. Even if you buried your dream, it is still there. There is something you still want to do! As Bonnie Marcus states in her book, “You’re not done yet!” Go for it! And while you are doing your new dream, pull your hair back into a high pony tail and show the gray around your face. Have the courage to become like the Velveteen Rabbit, my favorite children’s book. The Velveteen rabbit was rubbed real only after he had been a worn by age, had been loved well, and finally set free into the wild.