The only dating advice you’ll ever need

This realistic practical approach helped me find the partner of my dreams.

I’ve been happily married for nineteen years. I dated lots of people before I got hitched. So many people ask me how I determined that my husband was the one.

So many singles create long preference lists based on romantic movies or hidden fantasies. Searching for the perfect mate.

Dating is like any collaboration. It needs to be felt with the heart but thought about like a business. Or like an audition process. You are casting the role of your long term partner. Hold many casting sessions and hold callbacks.

Make out a list of three catagories befor you start.

1. What “must you have” in a partner? Think carefully here. What are the deal breakers? Does your future partner have to want kids? Do they have to have certain physical qualities? Do they have to have a certain personality traits? Knowing yourself is the first step in attracting and keeping a great partner. For me, I had to have a guy that had integrity, be a deep thinker, wanted kids, an athlete, good sense of humor, smart, supported my dreams of being a writer. and had financial stablity.

2. What “would be nice” in a partner? These are qualities that, as it states, “would be nice” but are essential. Many of us fall in the trap of thinking that our “would be nice” catagory is maditory and it isn’t. For example, when I met my husband. I was an avid mountian biker. I spent most of my weekends on long rides. I was hoping for a biking partner on my long weekend rides. My husband was minorly interested. We gave it a go. He had a few good rides but ultimately, he wasn’t that interested in going on long rides with me. He was, however, interested in providing me with delicious home cooked meals when I came home. So I wasn’t willing to dtich the relationship for biking. My other “would be nice” catagory was for him to be raised in the same religion I was. Neither of us were particulary religous but it would have helped make holidays easier. Yet again, his values and mine were so alligned, that even though we were brought up in different faiths, I wasn’t williing to ditch this man because we had different backgounds. The other thing that fell in this category was I wanted my partner to have a good head of hair. (Yes, everyone can be shallow about physical attributes.) Guess what? I fell in love with a man who was bald at age thirty-eight. I couldn’t run my fingers through his hair. Nope. But I did learn to apply sunscreen to his scalp. Again, I wasn’t willing to ditch this romantic, intelligent, funny and amazin guy becaue he lost his hair. Another thing on this list: I wanted a dancer. My husband was willing to learn and we’ve been dancing ever since.

3. What are your “ absolute no ways” in a partner? How can I put this? Everyone in your dating pool will have serious flaws. They will have patterns and pet peeves. They will have some characteristcs that you don’t like. Everyone! So here is the question.

Aside from serious psychological behaviors like abuse or toxicity, what are character flaws or patterns that you can handle? Meaning: what baggae are you willing to carry?

For example, I grew up in a home where sarcasim was used as a weapon. Horrible things were often said indirectly or directly to me. When I would cry or protest, I was told. “They were only kidding.” To this day, I can’t think around sarcasm or teasing. I become a five year old girl hiding behind the potted plants. I do love to laugh and be goofy. My husband and I laugh daily. I need silly humor not sarasctic. So that was a pattern of any potential partner that I couldn’t carry. I also coundn’t handle some one who was cheap. I wanted someone to tip the waiters at least twenty percent or above. I would rather have a few nice dresses rather than a closet full of bargain materieals. And I do like the finer cut of beef.

Everyone’s “absolute no way” list will be different. Again, the key is knowing what you can handle and what you want.

4. The last important bit. After you have fun creating your categories, you now have to see if you can handle your prospective parnter’s anger. When we date, we try to hide our broken or dark parts. Yes, everyone gets angry. So the question is: how often and how severe does your prospective mate show their anger? What pisses them off? And how do they react?

So here is what you need to do. If you’ve been dating a few weeks, try to piss your date off slightly. Don’t pick a huge fight! But do show up somewhere a bit late? Or “forget” to do your dishes when you know they keep an immaculent kitchen. You get the point. This gets them to show their anger. And you do need to see it! Can you handle pouting? Yelling? Silence? Lectures? Everyone has their own flavor.

When my husband get’s angry, he goes quiet first and then lectures. I don’t enjoy this! Yet it is something I could handle and continue to handle. I couldn’t handle yelling or swearing. I couldn’t handle demeaning language. But I could handle his longwinded bouts.

If their anger is something you can take and most of your “must haves” and “would be nice” categories are met, this person may be a good candidate for a long term partner.

This Valentine’s Day when we long for love, remember to love with both your head and your heart! Create the categories that you need, want and can’t stand. Then go out and have fun. Your great love on your “must have list” is out there waiting.